Diary of a Wounded Woman

From the age 5-11, I was constantly getting MOLESTED by my biological father and my oldest brother and 2 cousins...

At the age of 11, my father was attempting to rape me, but my angel (MY YOUNGER BROTHER) STOPPED HIM... I told my mom about the issues with my dad and brother, but my dad said I was lying and that SAME night he came in my room one last time.

The next day I told my 6th grade teacher and I was removed from the house and placed in a group home. He was arrested and my brother ran away. I went into a group home for about 3-5 months and I was later molested by the janitor who promised me if I let him touch me he would protect me.🙄

I was later placed with my dad's mother, my paternal grandmother, who treated me like A DIRTY DOG. There were days when she didn't feed me. I was cursed out and called names and told constantly I lied on her son.😠 I was with her for one year when I ran away from her home back to my mom's home. My other siblings DIDN'T KNOW ME AND BLAMED ME FOR GETTING OUR DAD LOCKED UP.

I was still young so I didn't know what to do or how to feel about it all. I slowly found myself running to the streets to ANY man who would look like he would protect me. I got caught up in gangs, senseless fights, full of anger, bitter, hatred, ANYTHING THAT WAS NEGATIVE WAS ME...

At age 16, I was kidnapped by a silvery gang member for 3 days. I was gang rapped by the very gang I ran with. I was touched and abused in ways a young girl could never imagine. My biological brothers hated me and STILL was blaming me for the absent of their father.

I HAD NO MALE FIGURE TO LOVE AND PROTECT ME. I LATER GREW TO HAVING A LOVE AND HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF. My father was sentenced to 10 yrs and ONLY DID 7. He got off EARLY FOR "GOOD BEHAVIOR." I was 20 years old with my own child in my mom's house. SHE NEVER TOLD ME HE WAS COMING HOME. I WAS MADE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE NOT KNOWING HOW THE WORLD IS MADE UP.

I later got married at age 22 to a young man who I thought was my knight and shining king. Well NOPE, he was caught up with MANY WOMEN and I later divorced him. I got married again and again divorced. I became an angry mother having children. I didn't know how to mother my children for years. I knew I had to feed them and clothe them and keep a shelter over their heads BUT EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY AND SPIRITUALLY I KNEW NOTHING. I HATED MEN TO THE POINT WHERE I WANTED TO CAUSE THEM HURT AND PAIN AS I HAD BEEN HURT. I USED MY SEXUALITY AS A GUN. I BECAME PROMISCUOUS. I WAS THE SLUT IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD. I HAD SEX IN EXCHANGE FOR MONEY. THE PAIN INSIDE PUSHED AWAY ANY MORALS I MAY HAVE HAD.

ONE DAY, I was given the heart to go to CHURCH, AT AGE 19, IN THE MIDST OF MY CHAOTIC LIFE. I learned to seek out God who would change my heart. I ran to church looking for a way out of THE PAIN I HELD CLOSE TO MY HEART. I took many many years of healing, NOT ON GOD'S PART, BUT BECAUSE I WANTED TO HATE BUT IT WAS JUST KILLING ME SLOWLY.

I MADE UP IN MY MIND TO FORGIVE EACH AND EVERY BLACK MAN THAT HAVE HURT ME IN ANY SORT OF WAY. I GOT A JOURNAL AND WROTE DOWN THEIR NAMES AND WHAT THEY DID AND CRIED OUT TO GOD TO HEAL MY BROKEN HEART. WHATEVER I NEEDED TO DO, I WAS WILLING TO DO IT.

THE HEALING PROCESS wasn't easy but it was WORTH IT. MY DAD IS STILL LIVING AND STAYING WITH MY MOM. MY BROTHER IS STILL LIVING, BUT NEITHER OF THEM TALK TO ME. MY DAD TOLD ME HE WISHED I WAS NEVER BORN AND HOW MUCH HE HATE ME. WITH THAT IN MY MIND, I HAD TO MAKE A CHOICE TO LOVE AND FORGIVE FROM A DISTANCE.🌹

MY BROTHER STILL DON'T SPEAK TO ME, BUT THAT'S LIFE. I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE MY MOM TOO. SHE NEVER PROTECTED ME AND NEVER CELEBRATED ME, BUT I MADE A CHOICE TO LOVE AND LET GOD DEAL WITH PEOPLE. I CAN HONESTLY SAY NOW I'M FREE FROM ALL THE PAIN. I CHOOSE TO FORGIVE WITH A PURE HEART!

Jeremiah 31: 34 “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

- Contributed by Nicole Shanta (Nicole is an author. Contact her via social media to purchase copies of her book).